Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
