babies were throwing up all over the place
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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