He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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