No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
