So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It's official drugs can't kill me
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
