from now on my penis is your penis
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Randomize
