Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Randomize
