She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
