Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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