why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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