Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he was CRYING into my vagina
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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