AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
