Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
