Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
