i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
