Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
