i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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