so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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