I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
