I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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