It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i think i just lost a toe
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
