I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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