Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
