I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
