im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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