You smell like stripper and shame
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
