Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
