i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
