seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
