May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
