so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
