you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I have aggressive nipples.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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