if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
