do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
