I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
