i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
