There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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