She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
