im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
