Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
