I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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