god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
