I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
