I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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