Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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