i'm lost and i look like a hooker
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
