My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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