If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
