I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
