cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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