i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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