so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
